"Scotsmen and Penguins"  The Recording Script • Written and directed by Christopher Bahn. Copyright 1996. • From episode 10 (1997 Edition) of the radiodrama series Where Threads Come Loose • Originally broadcast on KUOM-AM March 1994. Cast • Scotsman 1; Scotsman 2; Scotsman 3; Penguin; Pirate; Australian Author's Notes • A short sketch written to help fill out the half-hour alloted for "You Are Welcome To Elsinore." It seemed funny at the time. Not too long ago, this webpage was discovered by one of the readers of a message board in Scotland, who said "The only problem I have with it is the Scotsman is vaguely coherent, and the penguin sounds like a horse! It's probably a great read if you've had a few." I can't ask for higher praise. The two main characters make a slight return later on in "Jules and K: Apartment of the Damned." EPISODE INTRO: When you think of great TV, you naturally think of buddy-cop shows: Starsky and Hutch. Jake and the Fatman. Tonight Where Threads Come Loose is proud to present our own attempt at the genre: An action-packed gun-blazing potboiler called "The Scotsman and the Penguin." SCENE I: [SFX: Police siren and the sounds of a car chase] Scotsman 1: Drive faster, ya little feathered bastard! We're losin' him! Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: I'm goona try ta shoot out his tires. Hang aboot! [SFX: Several gunshots, then car crash] Scotsman 1: I goot him! Pull the car oover! [Screech of tires] Scotsman 1: Hoold it raight there, ya greet bastard! I goot ya dead ta rights! Scotsman 2: It'll nevaer hoold up in court, ya greet bastard! Scotsman 1: Ach, tell it ta the judge. Colin MacPherson, I chaerge ye with the heinous crime of playin' a bagpipe wi'out a license! Ye hae the right ta remain silent. Ye hae the right ta an attorney. Ye hae the right ta... ach, hell, I canna remember all the blasted Miranda rights. Can ye finish it off, partner? Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 2: What kind of a world do we live in where an innocent Scotsman is arrested by a damned penguin? Scotsman 1: Ach, now, dinna ye be insooltin' me partner! He's a guid police officer; he canna help bein' a penguin. Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Now, I'm goona slap the cuffs oon ye and cart ye off ta jail. Scotsman 2: But I got an excuse! I was drunk! Scotsman 1: Ach, that's nae excuse -- a guid Scotsman is always drunk! Scotsman 2: Ach, yer right, I'd forgotten aboot that. It's a fair cop then. Scotsman 1: Damn straight, lad. I wouldna hae ye say there was any stereotyping invoolved here. Nae get yerself on ta jail. Ye doon't hae any more lines in this scene. Scotsman 2: Got it, I'm off. Scotsman 1: Well, partner, it's anoother job well done by the Scotsman and the penguin. Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: What's that, laddie? Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Well, a' course I like workin' wi' ye! We're partners! We're in a buddy-cop action-adventure program! Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Nae, I really mean it! I do! Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Ye've got a confession ta make? Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Ye're what?! Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: A woman! Why didn't ye tell me before! Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Well, a' course I woulda accepted ye for what ye are! I can accept ye as a penguin, can't I? Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scot: Well, I'm not an average Scotsman -- and ye're nae average penguin. Ye're a fine citizen an' a credit ta yer uniform. Whether or not you're female. Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: What's that ye say? Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: When did ye do that? Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Ach, laddie -- I mean, lassie -- I dinna know that I like the thought of ye sneaking a look up ma kilt when I'm asleep. Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Nae, nae, it's got nothin' ta do with ma feelin's for ya! It's just ma sense a' Scottish propriety. Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Well, it's nae my fault if I awake strange feelin's within ye. We're parrrtners! What will the other officers think? Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Ye do? Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Are ye sure it's nae just infatuation? Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Ach, then, I'll admit it too. I canna hide ma feelin's nae more. I luv ya too, ya little bastard! Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Ya mean moor ta me than a fresh plate a' haggis! Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: I think we should moov our relaytionship to the next level. Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Nae, I'm serious, lassie! I want ta be yer lovin' man! I want ta be yer one and oonly fer time immemorial -- let's get married! [Music swells in the background] Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Yes, mah luv, I meen it! I willna taek nae fer an answer! Let's go dahn to the kirk right now! Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Well, nae, I dinna think we'll be able to hae children. But we can adopt! They'll havta be raised Presbyterian, a' course. So what do ye say? Will ye be my bride? Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Ach, lassie, that's wonderful! Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Look, there's the parrrrrson now! Scotsman 3: Hallo, laddie! How are ye an' yer penguin friend today? Scotsman 1: We've got wonderful news, father. We want to get married! Scotsman 3: Married? Scotsman 1: Yeah, canna ye hear the music in the backgroond? Scotsman 3: Ach, yes, but the thought of a noble-hearted Scotsman like yerself marryin' ootside the species... Scotsman 1: Ach, come on, father, this is the '90s! Scotsman 3: Yer right. I'm ashamed a' meself. I'll paerform the ceremony. Scotsman 1: Thank ye, father. Scotsman 3: Somebody straike up the bagpipes! [SFX: Music fades down, bagpipes fade up] Bae the powers invested in me as a true Scotsman, and wi' the blessin' a' the greet Laird aboov, I nae pronoonce ye Scotsman an' wife. Ye may kiss the bride. [SFX: Loud, wet kiss.] Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Thank ye again, father. Ye've made us the happiest inter-species couple in Edinburgh! Scotsman 3: Ach, it was noothin'. I just loov ta see a young couple jooin together in marrrital bliss. Scotsman 1: What do ye mean by that? Scotsman 3: I mean I want ta come along on yer honeymoon! I performed the ceremony, I want ta see it consummated! Scotsman 1: What? Get away, ye greet bloody pervert! Come on, luv, we've got a boat ta catch -- we're honeymoonin' in paradise! Alone. Scotsman 3: Can I at least get a videotape? Scotsman 1: Nae, piss off! Come, luv, let's go. [SFX: Bagpipes swell for a few seconds to establish that time is passing] Scotsman 1: Hallo there! Is this the boat sailin' ta paradise? Pirate: Arrrr! That's right, matey! Scotsman 1: Who the hell are ye? Pirate: I'm a pirate! Captain Redbeard, scourge of the Caribbean! Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: You're nae supposed ta be in this sketch -- this is for Scotsmen and penguins only! Pirate: Arrrr! I'm supposed to believe you? Ye're a blasted landlubber! Arrrr! Scotsman 1: Nae, I mean it! Here, look at the title a' the script -- "Scotsmen and Penguins." It dinna say nothin' aboot pirates. Ye're goona have ta get oot. Pirate: I'll not leave, ye hypocrite! This was also supposed to be a buddy-cop show -- now it's some cheesy love story. Scotsman 1: I'll nae listen ta ye nae more, ye lice-ridden sea varmit! Wife! Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Hae ye still got yer service revolver? Penguin: Ack! Scotsman 1: Guid! Shoot the greet bastard! [SFX: Gunshot] Pirate: (dies) Arrr... Scotsman 1: Nae, can I get a proper ship captain, please? Australian: G'day mate! [SFX: Gunshot] Scotsman 1: A proper Scottish captain! Scotsman 2: Aye, lad! Scotsman 1: What! But ye're the punk I carted off ta jail just a few minutes ago! Scotsman 2: Well, I know, but we're oot a people who can do a Scottish accent. Scotsman 1: Ach, well, ye've have ta do. Let's sail, then! Scotsman 2: Right! We're off! [SFX: Silence, three beats] Scotsman 2: We're here! Scotsman 1: Blast it, man, what took ye so long? Scotsman 2: We're undermanned! Not enough Scotsmen in the riggin'! Scotsman 1: Ach, that's understandable. Come, wife! Let's disembark! Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Yes, lass, it's a beautiful island we've arrived at. Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Ye say yer relatives live here? Fer God's sake why didna ye say so before? Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Aye, I'm surprised! But ye say they're plannin' a reception fer us? Penguin: Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Scotsman 1: Look! Here they come now! [Chorus of penguins, acking and playing bagpipes] Scotsman 1: Ach, I'm in heaven! FINIS